Wait, Wtf is that? that's not a game, movie or comic.....

And no, It's not a "marital aid" either (that's the polite name for a dildo for those of you out there that don't know) This is a Styptic pencil, Which is probably news to you unless your old enough to have grown a 'stache in a non-ironic manner. Now what does this have to do with the geeky stuff I usually review? Not a damn thing but since apparently I'm the only guy under 50 that is familiar with them, we will consider this a PSA. 

I've been shaving every day for over two decades now and more often than not I cut myself at least once every time, I'm not a coke head or shaving in a ship in a storm so I'm not sure why I do but I do. And while most of you probably have a little more steady of a hand than myself, If you shave with any type of razor besides electric I'm sure you cut yourself once in a while and you probably use a tiny scrap of toilet paper or maybe a little rubbing alcohol to stop the blood flow, but you should stop that shit within the next two day's (by which time amazon will have delivered your very own styptic pencil) because you are definitely smart enough to take my advice, Right? 

Styptic pencils have been around forever, you've probably even seen one in your Grandpa's medicine cabinet when you were rooting around trying to score some viagra or long expired quaaludes (don't deny it) but didn't know what you were looking at. I have no idea why they lost popularity but they used to be available in every drugstore or grocery store in the country, Now the easiest way to get them is for 3 bucks on the internet. I remember seeing my old man use one when I was a kid and for the first few years I was shaving if I found them somewhere I'd buy several, not because I'd go through them but because they would get lost or they would get soaked and melt. for the last ten years or so I have just ordered them online. I've mentioned these to a few of my buddies and the ones smart enough to listen have loved them. And they are not just for guys, My wife steals mine when she nicks her leg or whatever and before I was married any serious girlfriends would usually adopt them as well, which in this day of extreme hairlessness is a handy thing to have, which is kinda bizarre when you figure the last time styptic pencils were popular so was having the hedge maze from the overlook hotel in a woman's pants (here'sss johny!).

Styptic pencils receive 10 out of 10 Brazilian cats  

Sam Elliot said "fuck you" to a radish...

Beyond a western legend refusing to chew any part of a vegetable aside from its ass there is not much to separate "the Ranch" from a thousand other sitcoms. That being said, Is it unwatchable? Not by a long a shot but with so many genuinely great shows on t.v. anymore I can't imagine its worth most peoples valuable watching time.
Just for arguments sake though lets say you have all the time in the world and you've already worked your way through breaking bad men, orange is the new dead and House of Sherlock or whatever else the cool kids are watching and you want to add a sitcom to your rotation to lighten things up a bit.
This year it seems like there is a lot of sitcom choices, NBC has "Crowded",  ABC has "the Real O'neals" and Netflix has "The Ranch"  and that's just off the top of my head.
Now personally I have been cursed with an over abundance of time which affords me the chance to check out more shows than most,  most people will probably check out a new show based partly on premise and partly on cast (Which is unfortunate because of the aforementioned, "The Real O'neals" while having a less recognizable cast is by far the superior sitcom) leaving Netflix entry with the most name power.
Fans of sitcoms and people who drink (Lets face it, with 3 or 4 beers in him Al Sharpton could spend a pleasant afternoon watching "last man standing) will find something to amuse them on a lazy Sunday, especially if they are fans of "that 70's show" or just enjoy Sam Elliots occasional cameo in comedies.
The first few episodes feel like the show is still getting its legs under it and the serious points in the show feel unnecessary and and ill placed in a comedy but a few shows in the writing feels a little more organic, either that or I was desensitized, I definitely never thought I'd see a day when I thought I'd be hoping to watch Ashton Kutcher Stave Sam Elliot's  head in with a coffee thermos. Oh, did I forget to mention that Elliot's character is highly unlikable? I know sitcom dads are supposed to be hard headed and have old fashion notions that broken down through the story, and generally that theme drives me nuts, but they could use a little more of that here. Elliot's character is a unsympathetic, inflexible asshole who's only interaction with his kids is guilt tripping them about not being wholly dedicated to his failing ranch. The crux of the plot is that Ashton Kutcher's character left home after high school to pursue a football career (unsuccessfully) and stayed away while the ranch and his chances of a football career dwindled. I get the feeling you are supposed to see that both the father (Elliot) and son (Kutcher) both have some valid points, But Elliot's character is so unlikeable and unsympathetic to the prodigal son that it makes it impossible to fathom anyone sticking around to tolerate that kind of abuse, And even if his callus attitude toward Kutcher's character was forgiven he displays the same attitude towards Masterson's character, Who has put aside all of his own ambitions and dreams to stay by his fathers side. It is mad clear in the course of the series that the Ranch's only real value is in the property value but Elliot's character doesn't want to sell off the land that belonged to his father, which seems noble until you consider he is maintaining his fathers legacy at the cost of his sons having the chance to build one of their own.
If this review seems unfocused and disjointed that's how my interest in the show turned which seems a pretty good indication of whether or not it's worth watching. I lost interest on and off and in the end the show was good fit for me strictly because I have lots of time and the show does have some redeeming qualities. If your a fan of the cast or like the idea of a sitcom that is a little edgy without being vulgar just for vulgarities sake give it a chance, otherwise your viewing time is better spent elsewhere.

I give "The Ranch"  a 6 out of ten, which if you break it down to a percentage (60% for those who failed remedial math) is about twice the score I give this review, but hey, you get what you pay for!

Ahh! A beta review for a Beta game...

uh,.... I am disappointed in myself..... and that's the reason I'm changing things up...  I have really been off the ball when it comes to writing my reviews again on this new site, But you know what? No one is paying me to write reviews and most likely no one is reading them (if you are I'm surprised because I haven't told anyone about this site yet, not even the wife) if You are reading this then welcome and bear with me. I'm going to be trying some new ways of reviewing these things that interest me. Maybe I'll be throwing in some random thoughts or some armchair philosophy and/or psychology (2 years of high school psych bitches!) because I just do this to keep myself sane.

Now that I've explained the reason for this Beta review (I'm disappointed in myself, remember?) of the Doom beta, we will get into something that I'm pretty sure I wasn't disappointed in.... The Doom beta that ran this last weekend on XBOX one and PS4. I say pretty sure I wasn't disappointed in it because I changed my mind dramatically after a few rounds but you'll see what I mean as we proceed .

Sunday afternoon after a thorough face palm for forgetting the day before, I downloaded and started the Doom beta, I have been seeing the ads for a while and have been blown away by the look of the game. Something about the trailers so far has vaguely given me the feeling I had the first time I saw quake, Yes I know Doom is not quake but as far as the campaign side Quake has not been Quake since the first game. You see Quake was my first love, it was the first time I had ever really dived into a real pc game and had that sort of obsession you get every once in a lucky while with a game, That all encompassing  infatuation that is constantly overshadowing your time at work, in class or even sex..
Yes sex.. When I say it was my first love do not think I am overstating it, I was sixteen years old and I am not lying that I tell you I clearly recall thinking about Quake sometimes in the middle of sex with my first long term girl friend. Oh don't look at me like that, unless you are just entering the perplexing world of engaging the opposite sex in life and death genital combat (in which case you ought not be reading a disreputable site such as this at your age, kid!) you've caught your mind wandering during the act occasionally yourself. oh man have I digressed... Anyhow, I will still need to wait until the full game is released to find out if the campaign captures my attention like the campaign in Quake.
The Multi player however is very reminiscent of the death matches in the Id software games in the 90's. Very, very, very similar as a matter of fact. The big question being, Is that what we want in 2016? A game that, while having better graphics and tighter controls, feels just like a game from 20 years ago? And now we get to why I'm only pretty sure I'm not disappointed. My first match I was looking at the game and kept asking myself what was missing, I didn't have quite the same feeling I get when I play the newest Halo or newest COD or a dozen other triple A shooters. While the Graphics are good they aren't incredibly detailed, The camera motion doesn't give you that realistic bounce that gives you a sense of actually running,  And the arenas ( the few the Beta features at least) feel like arenas, That is to say they aren't truck yards or space ports that happen to be the scene of a battle, they are a series of rooms and stages with armor and ammo strung about and weapons placed in central locations just as befitting for an altar or shrine as a . for a few minutes I felt like this was off putting and then it clicked... Suddenly I got it, Doom has reached a happy middle ground between standard AAA shooter and the hardcore PC arena shooters that (to me at least) feel like more of a test of who can get to the rocket launcher or Gauss rifle the fastest.
Players start out with load outs containing both weapons that are traditionally single shot kill weapons such as the double barrel (super) shotgun or rocket launcher and the more standard machine guns and sniper rifles. There is still super weapons available in the arena but the don't feel as crucial to victory as they do in other arena shooters. You do Have a jet pack but it is more akin to the simple double jump we have all become used to rather that the jet packs in titanfall or Black ops 3.
What this game does well is provide a great option for people who just want to jump into a couple of ten minute rounds. You don't have to be especially good at shooters to play Doom and get a few kills and have some fun. You may not come out on the right side of the K/D stats but that wont stop you from enjoying the sight of an opponent fly apart in chunks. Even my wife, who doesn't who almost never plays PvP had fun for an hour fraging other super generic space marines (not a complaint mind you, it would be Doom if the protagonist had a personality) and hopping around the arenas like a kangaroo wasted on jagerbombs. As I said before, I'm fairly sure my family will be enjoying the bloody antics of Doom's multiplayer when the full game is released, at least for a while. It's yet to be seen if this back to basics shooter will hold our attentions do to its easy to play style or if it will quickly join so many other games as dust catchers because it lacks depth.

I hesitate to give a grade to a beta until we see the finished product, especially with the beta giving us such a small sampling of multiplayer and leaving us total virgins to her main draw, which is, in my opinion her campaign, but  from the way she rubbed up against us I'll bet she is definitely worth taking under the bleachers now and then... even if she doesn't have enough going on give her you varsity jacket..